I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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