She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
