guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
