She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
