lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
