Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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