Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
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Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize