I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
