my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
