What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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