Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
