i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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