there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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