When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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