My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
