Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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