I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
