dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
