I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
