I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
