i always forget guys have bellybuttons
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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