Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
