If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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