Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
