So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
