Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
