so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
