I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
