just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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