Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
