its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
People in love make me want to vomit
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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