youre lurking in front of me
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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