How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have aggressive nipples.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
