She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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