Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im six kinds of drunk right now
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
