just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
