I think my fart just growled at me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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