Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
