Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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