bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
