Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
