if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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