she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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