I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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