She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
