that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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