she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
