Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
