It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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