I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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