Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
