You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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